Relationships and Arguing

Constructive Arguing – Not Destructive Fighting

There are differences of opinion or disagreements in every relationship. They aren’t signs of any inherent weaknesses. In fact, according to some studies, the way that couples handle conflicts in their relationship is the most important factor in determining whether they’ll stay together or not. In other words, the couples that have learned the art of constructive arguing are typically those with the greatest chance of a healthy, happy long-term relationship, despite any conflicts that arise.

But many couples aren’t so keen at arguing in constructive ways. When productive arguments or disagreements degenerate into harmful name-calling and other verbal attacks, relationships can suffer serious damage.

Although disagreements pop-up in all relationships, arguing need not grow into a bigger problem. How can you prevent differences of opinion from developing into heated and destructive arguments? Here are ten tips you can use to help keep things constructive:ⁱ

1. Stick To The Issue At Hand. Don’t ‘dig up skeletons’ or recall past behaviors or circumstances. That will only make your partner more disagreeable and is likely to lead to a scorekeeping ‘you did this/you did that’ spiral of exchanges.
2. Avoid Trivial Pursuit. Not the game, but unrelated issues that obscure what the disagreement is really about. For example, if you are wrangling over whether you forgot to run an important errand on Monday or on Tuesday, the issue isn’t which day you forgot, it’s simply that you, in fact, forgot! Which day you forgot is an irrelevant and trivial matter.
3. Start Sentences with “I.” Rather than saying things like “You made me angry after you…” or “You made me feel terrible when you…,” start out by saying, “I felt angry after you…” or “I felt terrible when you…” This frames your feelings and concerns in a less accusatorial style when you discuss the issue with your partner.
4. Avoid Using Absolutes. Using words like “never, always, should, or shouldn’t” when having a disagreement only irritates your partner. The words are also very polarizing and can compel your partner to automatically look for exceptions. This gives rise to responses that usually start with, “Never? What about the time when we…” or “I shouldn’t do that? What about when you…” The argument can quickly spiral out of control and away from the central issue of the disagreement.
5. Speak For Yourself. Steer clear of bringing the opinions or viewpoints of people outside of your relationship into the disagreement. Not only can this damage the relationship you have with your partner, it can be misinterpreted and lead to damaged friendships and feelings of betrayal.
6. Stay Calm. This tip has become a cliché, true, but it’s become a cliché because it is indispensable in so many situations where conflict exists. It’s easier to stay calm and objective when you’re not waving your arms around or impatiently pacing the room. Sit down, take a deep breath, and relax. You’ll find that disagreements are resolved in a much more satisfying way.
7. Be Civil To Your Partner. Don’t get personal. We all know that physical abuse is never acceptable, and neither is mental or verbal abuse. Remember that the disagreement is over an issue, not over each other. Hurling personal insults or playing ‘mind games’ with your partner only leads to more hurt, pain, and mistrust.
8. Show Your Feelings. Don’t be afraid to open up to your partner about your feelings. Telling your partner, “I’m feeling scared that you don’t love me like you used to,” is more likely to get a sensitive, caring, and honest response than saying, “You don’t act like you love me anymore.”
9. Let The Conversation Flow. Avoid lecturing, and try not to block the conversation by interrupting your partner or cutting them off. Listen politely, even if you disagree with what’s being said, and your partner will be more inclined to listen to you without interrupting, too.
10. Have A Code Word For A Time Out. If either of you feel that the disagreement is spinning out of control or you’re talking in circles and making no progress, using the code word to initiate a time out, or cooling-off period, can help defuse the situation. Seemingly insurmountable issues can benefit from being revisited when both parties are in a less antagonistic mood.

Remember, it doesn’t matter who ‘wins’ an argument if, through the whole process, your relationship loses something.

ⁱ Adapted from Paula Hall’s Productive Arguing, BBCi Health – Relationships: Productive Arguing.