Boomerang Kids — Adult Children Returning Home

Many of us have seen the TV commercial with the adult child expressing his frustration about not getting his way while living with his parents. The commercial may show some exaggerations, but the thought may have crossed your mind that your empty nest may not stay empty. "Boomerang Kids" is the new name for adult children returning home to live with their parents. The United States census report estimates that 80 million households have an adult child living with their parents. What can you do to avoid conflict?

Set the ground rules!

Have a sit down meeting with your adult child and set ground rules for the possible move back. Some issues that can be discussed include:

How long are they staying? In most families, the return home will hopefully be a short-term stay. Money can play an important role in these situations. Don't be afraid to set a time line for the stay. Whether it is six months or two years, try to determine a timeline that all parties can agree to and abide by.

Is it all about the money? Monetary issues, and your adult child's capacity to provide funds, will need to be discussed. Can your child provide money for food and rent? How will they save enough money to move out? Is your adult child willing to discuss their current and future earning/savings goals? You will need to be able to gauge the progress of this goal.

Who's cleaning up that mess? Household job assignments should be fairly assigned among family members. Treat your adult child as an adult. While it may be tempting to take care of your child's various needs at first, (food, cleaning, laundry), taking care of an extra person can become frustrating. Any adult living in your home can be expected to complete household assignments. Set up a family meeting to discuss these issues. Other questions can include topics such as: how often will they attend daily meals, any boundary issues for the various rooms in your house, and household cleanliness standards.

How many are coming? Grandchildren and friends can complicate your home situation with the return of an adult child. With additional mouths to feed and care for, concerns about time spent and money can multiply in a hurry. Don't assume that your adult child has given adequate thought to the situation. Childcare can be a very important issue and you may be assigned (even unwittingly) the care of their children. The cost of feeding a family that has just doubled in size can also be expensive. Privacy issues may arise when your home supports additional people. These issues can be clarified and understood before anyone moves back.

Who's throwing the party? Alcohol or drug use can be a concern for returning adult children. Establishing rules early on for substance use can avoid future problems. If you feel uncomfortable about their use of substances, let them know that this behavior is not acceptable.

I thought we set the table for five, not six. Being away from home provided your adult child with new freedom to associate with different people. When you live in someone else's home, issues such as how many guests are appropriate, overnight guests, and late night parties can become a concern.

I didn't know we had a dog. We do love our pets. But there is a big difference between bringing your pet fish home, compared with a Labrador retriever, especially if you don't have any pets. The concerns are many: where will the pet stay? (at the home or with friends), expenses to feed the pet, cleaning up after the pet, and veterinarian bills. It's better to have these issues settled before they walk in the door with "Fido" the dog or "Fluffy" the cat.

For some, it can easily seem as if you have regressed to an earlier family time. Perhaps one of the most difficult things for a parent to remember is that, while the person returning home is indeed your "child", they are now an adult. No matter how short-term the stay will be, communication about the rules in your home is key. The more you discuss and plan before their return, the more prepared everyone will all be for the new living arrangement.

References:

Grall, T., S. Support Providers: Household Economic Studies (2005). U.S. Census Bureau. Retrieved May 3, 2005 from the World Wide Net http://www.census.gov/prod/2005pubs/p70-99.pdf